6AM – I clean two piles of Fritti’s cat diarrhea off the living room carpet. Joy.
7 AM – Fritti returns to the scene of the crime and turns himself inside out by vomiting. Verily, it is explosive and wet, and I dare you to find more impressive special effects in any horror movie known to mankind.
7:45 AM – Cassandra stages a pacifist protest against the current tyrannical parental regime by putting her toothbrush in her mouth, but then refusing to brush. Do I possibly have the next Ghandi on my hands, or is my child deliberately trying to make me strangle her?
10:30 AM – Sam has a poop to rival Fritti’s early AM offering. But since it’s contained in a diaper, it’s far easier to clean up.
2:30-4:30 PM – I bang my head against my laptop as it repeatedly locks up while trying to make a DVD. Tell me, what is the point of having a DVD drive if the frikkin’ thing will not burn DVDs?
6:15 PM – Once is never enough. Fritti wanders back into the living room, faces east, and then vomits. Then he faces south, west, and north, each time leaving more vomit. I swear, he pukes more than his own body weight. Has he somehow become a receptacle for other cats’ vomit? Is he puking for Lydia and BJ as well? I ponder the metaphysical possibilities as I yet again get down on my hands and knees to scrub the carpet.
7:30 PM – Sam rams her head into a dining room chair and leaves a big red mark on her forehead. Ouch!
7:45 PM – Anything Sam can do, Cassie can do better. While getting a horsie back ride on her daddy, Cass throws up both her arms and legs, balances her pointy little butt for two seconds on Michael’s spine, and then topples head first into the exercise bike in the living room, smacking her head on one of the pedals. After the screaming is over, I see she now has a huge goose egg between her eyebrows and a small cut on her left cheek. It’s a miracle she still has her left eye.
7:55 PM – As a grace note to the evening, Fritti wanders into the dining room and attempts to turn himself inside out again, this time by crapping next to my chair. Oh joy of joys.
I am now going to bed so I can look forward to yet another day in the life of Helen Madden. If I do not show up for the playdate tomorrow, it is because either Social Services or the ASPCA has shown up to take me away. God knows I could use the vacation.