This is my second go around on the whole breastfeeding thing. I nursed Cassie for 18 months. As of yesterday, I’ve nursed Sam for two months. Twenty months is a long time to breastfeed. The beauty of breastfeeding is that it usually leaves at least one hand free, and sometimes two depending on how you do it. Thus I’ve discovered there are a lot of things I can with a baby latched onto me, a good thing to know considering how much of my time gets devoured by feeding the little monster I call my baby. Please keep in mind that I am a professional mom (i.e. I actually have kids), so don’t try any of the below tasks at home unless you’re willing to deal with a potential mess.
1. I can sleep while breastfeeding a baby (well hell, anyone can do that).
2. I can brush a three-year-old child’s hair and dress it up in pretty flowered barrettes while breastfeeding a baby (that’s a little more difficult, especially if said three-year-old won’t hold still).
3. I can brush a three-year-old child’s teeth while breastfeeding a baby (even more difficult because three-year-olds don’t like to have their teeth brushed).
4. I can instruct a three-year-old child on how to bathe herself and end up with a relatively clean kid while breastfeeding a baby (a minor miracle, because three-year-olds also don’t like taking baths).
5. I can answer e-mail, search the net and write erotic stories and/or blog entries on my laptop while breastfeeding a baby (hey, I can’t not work).
6. I can perform a puppet show while breastfeeding a baby (it was a slow day).
7. I can push a three-year-old child on the swing set at our local playground while breastfeeding a baby (and I did it without flashing the entire neighborhood).
8. I can make French toast from scratch for Father’s Day while breastfeeding a baby (a feat that to this day my husband still doesn’t fully appreciate).
9. I can teach a three-year-old to make French toast from scratch and not have it come out burned, while breastfeeding a baby.
10. I can take an eye exam while breastfeeding a baby.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are lots of things a desperate mom can do when she has to. Too bad I can never put any of them on a job application.