Okay, so I’m not gonna shoot my husband.
Honestly, how could I shoot a man who would sit and listen to me rant and rave about my lousy day for almost an hour yesterday afternoon, then still cook me a nice dinner? And it was a really nice dinner too.
Yesterday was pretty bad, but it had its good points too. The best part was that Sam was asleep in her crib by 8:30 PM. I actually got to read for half an hour before going to bed early. Not that I got much sleep. My husband was feeling kind of frisky so I ended up staying up late last night anyway.
I’m in two different minds when it comes to sex and mommyhood. On the one hand, I feel like I just can’t be a mom and a sexual creature at the same time. Exhaustion simply kills my sex drive, and motherhood is nothing if not exhausting. I get six hours of sleep at most each night, and that sleep is frequently disrupted by late night feedings and preschoolers waking me up to announce there are monsters under the bed. During the day, I’ve got two kids hanging all over me. One is usually latched on and sucking the life out of me. The other is wrapped around my legs screaming for me to play with her. This leaves me with no time to relax or take care of myself, and if I can’t relax, I have a hard time sparking any interest in sex.
On the other hand, though, I miss feeling sexy and I miss having sex. Sex is a huge part of my identity. I write erotica and I create erotic art. My work revolves around creating arousal. My everyday life used to revolve around it too. I can remember a time when I would wake up in the middle of the night, not to nurse a baby, but to ravish my husband instead. Michael and I would spend entire weekends in bed, having non-stop sex and making enough noise to scare the neighbors. Back then, the only toys we had in the house were sex toys and my lingerie draw overflowed with Victoria’s Secret instead of nursing bras. Yep, those were good days.
So I’m thinking about sex right now, wondering if I can ever go back to the love life I used to have with my husband. People tell me no, it’s normal to watch your sex drive dry up and blow away when you’ve got kids. But part of me thinks that’s just bull crap. I can get my sexy groove back. I just have to figure out how.
I’ll talk about this some more tomorrow. Right now, I think I’m gonna catch some Z’s in the glider.
Here’s today’s artwork. This poor guy’s got a sex life about like my own, I think…
Figure drawing, 30 August 2006